So as we lay there, cuddled up half conscious, I drift of to sleep in his arms, ready to join him in snoring...he pulls me close and mumbles.
I listen, he says "its ok babe, just the beginning of the semester" ...what you say?....""its ok babe don't worry, you'll pass the classes"...
SAY WHAT? I graduated last year...
I ask "What class am I taking honey?" (Who do you think you're in bed with????)
He awakens a little more..."wha? oh baby, I was sleep talking, who know what they say in they sleep? Cmon.."
Naw fool..your babymomma in school so whats the deal...just who do you think I am right now....
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sadness
One would think that sadness would have a bottom, an epitome, some sort of final border by which to measure how low one actually has hit. If there is no proverbial bottom, then do we continue to fall like the rabbit hole of Alice? I cannot perceive falling any deeper, nevermind ever continually.
I seek that bottom in order to then appreciate the top. How can one aspire to reach up, up, and better if there is no line or concise point to push off from, to seek to run from. How can there be a point of comparison to determine just how low one has actually been.
Let me tell you.
Brighter curtains do nothing to change ones mindset. It is all fools perception and pillow talk. It is irrelevant of reality and such.
Feelings this dark, bleak and hopeless must be locked up and thrown away. I do have faith. I really do. Somewhere...
There is only so much ridiculousness one can tolerate in the farce of the charade before the costumes have to come off and be cleaned eventually. Then...what.
What is revealed.
There is no medication strong enough to conceal the candor of obvious lies.
Dress it up, make it over, re-write it and it still remains the same underlying truth.
When it becomes toxic it is no longer an option.
The tears of madness taste the same as any other, be warned.
Its official.
I am not ok.
I seek that bottom in order to then appreciate the top. How can one aspire to reach up, up, and better if there is no line or concise point to push off from, to seek to run from. How can there be a point of comparison to determine just how low one has actually been.
Let me tell you.
Brighter curtains do nothing to change ones mindset. It is all fools perception and pillow talk. It is irrelevant of reality and such.
Feelings this dark, bleak and hopeless must be locked up and thrown away. I do have faith. I really do. Somewhere...
There is only so much ridiculousness one can tolerate in the farce of the charade before the costumes have to come off and be cleaned eventually. Then...what.
What is revealed.
There is no medication strong enough to conceal the candor of obvious lies.
Dress it up, make it over, re-write it and it still remains the same underlying truth.
When it becomes toxic it is no longer an option.
The tears of madness taste the same as any other, be warned.
Its official.
I am not ok.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Solo Contigo...
Something about the way we synchronise,
how you lay back and close your eyes,
made me wonder as I sit here alone...
Is that real?
Million miles away,
you sit in JA.
Are you thinking of me
am I there with you as the gunshots ring out?
Can u feel me tense up next to you
smell me, my perfume
We speak no words
Make no moves
The silence is deep enough,
we are already found
side by side
comfort is just being together
nothing else is necessary
I feel you nod
your body relax
the comfort was given
you succumb to my care
falling into a heap,
I collect you into my lap
and cherish...
you. Asleep.
...
how you lay back and close your eyes,
made me wonder as I sit here alone...
Is that real?
Million miles away,
you sit in JA.
Are you thinking of me
am I there with you as the gunshots ring out?
Can u feel me tense up next to you
smell me, my perfume
We speak no words
Make no moves
The silence is deep enough,
we are already found
side by side
comfort is just being together
nothing else is necessary
I feel you nod
your body relax
the comfort was given
you succumb to my care
falling into a heap,
I collect you into my lap
and cherish...
you. Asleep.
...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Open Letter
Dear Family, Friends, Co-Workers...etc,
Mom:
When are you going to grow up? I need a mother, not a sister or friend. I need you to be my rock, not the other way around. I cant keep taking care of your decisions. My sister being homeless with two kids should not become my burden because she looks up to me. She is your child and you are currently unemployed and chillin. Your biggest problem is what book to read and what time to hit the beach today. You should have encouraged her to come to you, instead, you dismissed the issue and allowed me to carry that for you. You know what I am going through right now and how hard things are. You should be advocating FOR me, not being selfish and concerned with your stress levels rising. Again, you need to be the parent. Its time.
Dear Sister:
I love you dearly, and your two small toddlers. I feel bad for you having suffered an abusive relationship. I am proud you got out and look up to me for support and advice. However, please for the love of god stop letting these children walk all over you and throw tantrums all damn day. Yes it is a hard time for them, and you. But seriously. Teach them some discipline and etiquette about respect, not just for others but for you.
Dad:
I refuse to allow our relationship to continue the way it has. I refuse to feel guilty for not returning your calls, or making effort to call and tell you I am sorry that you have the flu. If you cared about ME you would not have taken that holiday for two weeks, missed my graduation, and then called to tell me how sick you are and how much you miss talking with me. I am sure you wont miss your sons graduation in a few months, but I am supposed to be understanding..why? Because I am the oldest? The 'illegitimate' one who needs to feel grateful that you even give me your time? You tell me constantly how upset you are that we missed so many years together while I was growing up, and yet this monumental moment in my life has come and gone with you absent again. The difference this time is you made the choice not to be there. So, NO, right now I dont care to talk with you. In your hopes of me finding someone who will take care of me you are lacking in example since you are continually putting your feelings and needs before mine and expecting me to understand will do no favors for me at all. Man up and be there for ME, as a parent, not an occasional I dont know what.
Dear Boyfriend:
You too need to be there for me more. In 'doing what you gotta do' you fail to do..well, ME. I shouldnt have to ask for time together. I refuse to 'understand' and be there waiting. Yes you have responsibilities, kids, and two jobs etc. Put me first after your kids please or I will find someone interested in a quality relationship. Yes, you have made monumental progress through our time together, however like any female I admit, I am not satisfied with this.
Dear Cousin:
I do not mind helping you out by letting you stay here a few nights a week to ease your commute. We are family. However, you need to step up and pitch in a little more, I am not your mother and maybe I have acted as though I am going to take care of you and your needs while you are here. You need to let me know you are an independant adult who is grateful and can at least clean up after dinner once in a while. I dont mind cooking but even my own kids have chores. Damn.
Dear Co-Workers:
I am a fresh grad. Brand new to all this responsibility. It is hard and I admire you. Please be patient with me as I make this transition. I appreciate your support, but criticising my pace in comparison to yours will not foster confidence. I need to do this my way, safely. Stop grilling me and I will be fine. I am not you with 5 years experience and knowledge. If you were never this slow or inexperienced lie to me and tell me you were. Thanks.
Dear Ex/Baby Daddy:
You cannot leave me twice. You left me, and now you are trying to leave the kids just to 'do you'. Well. Yes you were there for all the rough schedules, school, sick days etc. Thank you. But to abandon me now will surely kill me. These are your children to share the responsibility raising, loving and caring for in every way.
Dear Me:
Yes, I cry, and feel overwhelmed and sad right now. It is hard. Work is demanding. Money is tight and everyone wants theirs. There are too many people in this house right now. I have my period and my hormones are out of whack. My sisters kids are trashing my house and screaming hourly. My kids have been sick and I havent slept in weeks. A few hours here and there but... I have to work tomorrow. I need to find another daycare, and some help with my crazy hours. I want a hot shower, a day off, and my man next to me. I know that this too shall pass but it all seems to be pulling and pulling until theres nothing left to stretch of me.
God Grant me the patience to keep these feelings on this letter and have the courage to rise above all the foolishness because they know not what they do. Also I pray for forgiveness as none of the above is likely intentional but my feelings are mine and mine alone, I have FAITH that this is only a test and all is working itself out as we speak.
Mom:
When are you going to grow up? I need a mother, not a sister or friend. I need you to be my rock, not the other way around. I cant keep taking care of your decisions. My sister being homeless with two kids should not become my burden because she looks up to me. She is your child and you are currently unemployed and chillin. Your biggest problem is what book to read and what time to hit the beach today. You should have encouraged her to come to you, instead, you dismissed the issue and allowed me to carry that for you. You know what I am going through right now and how hard things are. You should be advocating FOR me, not being selfish and concerned with your stress levels rising. Again, you need to be the parent. Its time.
Dear Sister:
I love you dearly, and your two small toddlers. I feel bad for you having suffered an abusive relationship. I am proud you got out and look up to me for support and advice. However, please for the love of god stop letting these children walk all over you and throw tantrums all damn day. Yes it is a hard time for them, and you. But seriously. Teach them some discipline and etiquette about respect, not just for others but for you.
Dad:
I refuse to allow our relationship to continue the way it has. I refuse to feel guilty for not returning your calls, or making effort to call and tell you I am sorry that you have the flu. If you cared about ME you would not have taken that holiday for two weeks, missed my graduation, and then called to tell me how sick you are and how much you miss talking with me. I am sure you wont miss your sons graduation in a few months, but I am supposed to be understanding..why? Because I am the oldest? The 'illegitimate' one who needs to feel grateful that you even give me your time? You tell me constantly how upset you are that we missed so many years together while I was growing up, and yet this monumental moment in my life has come and gone with you absent again. The difference this time is you made the choice not to be there. So, NO, right now I dont care to talk with you. In your hopes of me finding someone who will take care of me you are lacking in example since you are continually putting your feelings and needs before mine and expecting me to understand will do no favors for me at all. Man up and be there for ME, as a parent, not an occasional I dont know what.
Dear Boyfriend:
You too need to be there for me more. In 'doing what you gotta do' you fail to do..well, ME. I shouldnt have to ask for time together. I refuse to 'understand' and be there waiting. Yes you have responsibilities, kids, and two jobs etc. Put me first after your kids please or I will find someone interested in a quality relationship. Yes, you have made monumental progress through our time together, however like any female I admit, I am not satisfied with this.
Dear Cousin:
I do not mind helping you out by letting you stay here a few nights a week to ease your commute. We are family. However, you need to step up and pitch in a little more, I am not your mother and maybe I have acted as though I am going to take care of you and your needs while you are here. You need to let me know you are an independant adult who is grateful and can at least clean up after dinner once in a while. I dont mind cooking but even my own kids have chores. Damn.
Dear Co-Workers:
I am a fresh grad. Brand new to all this responsibility. It is hard and I admire you. Please be patient with me as I make this transition. I appreciate your support, but criticising my pace in comparison to yours will not foster confidence. I need to do this my way, safely. Stop grilling me and I will be fine. I am not you with 5 years experience and knowledge. If you were never this slow or inexperienced lie to me and tell me you were. Thanks.
Dear Ex/Baby Daddy:
You cannot leave me twice. You left me, and now you are trying to leave the kids just to 'do you'. Well. Yes you were there for all the rough schedules, school, sick days etc. Thank you. But to abandon me now will surely kill me. These are your children to share the responsibility raising, loving and caring for in every way.
Dear Me:
Yes, I cry, and feel overwhelmed and sad right now. It is hard. Work is demanding. Money is tight and everyone wants theirs. There are too many people in this house right now. I have my period and my hormones are out of whack. My sisters kids are trashing my house and screaming hourly. My kids have been sick and I havent slept in weeks. A few hours here and there but... I have to work tomorrow. I need to find another daycare, and some help with my crazy hours. I want a hot shower, a day off, and my man next to me. I know that this too shall pass but it all seems to be pulling and pulling until theres nothing left to stretch of me.
God Grant me the patience to keep these feelings on this letter and have the courage to rise above all the foolishness because they know not what they do. Also I pray for forgiveness as none of the above is likely intentional but my feelings are mine and mine alone, I have FAITH that this is only a test and all is working itself out as we speak.
Friday, February 20, 2009
My girl
Dude:
Hey hey cuz..like to introduce you..dis my girl.
Cuz:
Hey, nice to meet you! *daps cuz* Damn cuz!
Me to dude: Uh what does 'my girl' mean...a girl thats youre friend, or your girl friend...
Dude: Girlfriend..cmon boo!
Me: Just checkin.
*Hells Yeah*
Hey hey cuz..like to introduce you..dis my girl.
Cuz:
Hey, nice to meet you! *daps cuz* Damn cuz!
Me to dude: Uh what does 'my girl' mean...a girl thats youre friend, or your girl friend...
Dude: Girlfriend..cmon boo!
Me: Just checkin.
*Hells Yeah*
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